Shadow Work

There comes a time in therapy when we may start addressing shadow work head on. This article explains the what’s and why’s and how’s of that.

First, what is shadow?

To explain this, I will first step into ego state work, often referred to broadly as parts work, including approaches such as Internal Family Systems (IFS). The concept in ego state work is that we are made of various parts. Each part of us is experienced as a personality trait, a characteristic, an emotion, a body sensation. One of the benefits of ego state work is that the more we are aware of all our parts, the more we can choose which parts respond to what. Many parts-oriented approaches describe an inner core or centered state characterized by calm, confidence, curiosity, and connection. Being more in this inner core of ourselves shifts how we show up in the world, how we define success, how we make decisions, how we see ourselves and others. But what about parts of ourselves that we aren’t aware of? This is where shadow work comes in.

Shadow specifically refers to aspects of ourselves we’ve rejected, suppressed, denied, or never integrated.

Think of shadow as the parts of yourself that are operating behind the scenes. You may think, “I’m not an angry person,” yet find yourself becoming quietly resentful. Or you may believe, “I’m just not a confident person,” while repeatedly admiring confidence in others. Shadow work invites us to become curious about these hidden patterns.

Shadow parts are not evil. Shadow parts are parts you had to disconnect from in order to belong, survive, or feel safe. These can include anger, softness, creativity, ambition, playfulness, selfishness, sexuality, vulnerability, confidence, grief, manipulation, leadership, and control.

The term used for positive qualities that belong to you but that you’ve projected onto others because you don’t yet recognize them in yourself is golden shadow.

Interestingly, shadow traits are very active within us even if our conscious selves are not fully aware of them. Shadow qualities are active. Shadow qualities continue to influence our thoughts, emotions, perceptions, and behaviors even when we’re unaware of them. Shadow work helps us become aware of their activity, and through that awareness we have more collaboration with them.

Why do we have shadow parts?

Like most things in human psychology, shadow parts of us are directly linked to our childhood experiences and caregivers. For various reasons, while we were being raised and growing up, we were taught or we learned to deny parts of ourselves, and these traits then go into the shadow. We were told that a trait is inappropriate, bad, not going to get you far in life, sinful, annoying, not lady like, weak, not safe, and so on. Caregivers may not have been entirely incorrect or may even have had helpful intentions for these messages. Often that is the case. Caregivers are trying to raise us according to their values, morals, and their understanding of how the world works. Their motivations are often good. However, we all end up putting some of our parts into the shadow based off these messages. We do our best as little kids to navigate our realities, and that results in denying parts of who we are.

Imagine a child who is naturally outspoken and curious. Each time they question an adult, they’re told they’re disrespectful or “too much.” Eventually, they stop speaking up. Years later, they’re known as agreeable and accommodating, but they struggle to set boundaries, share their opinions, or advocate for themselves. The qualities they once possessed didn’t disappear—they simply moved into the shadow. Shadow work helps them reconnect with those parts so they can choose when and how to express them, rather than remaining disconnected from them.

While childhood is the main source of our rejected, suppressed and denied parts (shadows), we also have shadow parts due to culture, religion, peer groups, traumatic experiences, and relationships later in life.

Example 1: The anger shadow

A child grows up in a home where anger is met with punishment or withdrawal. They learn that “good people don’t get angry,” so they become the peacemaker. As an adult, they pride themselves on being easygoing and accommodating. Yet they find themselves repeatedly feeling resentful, attracting controlling relationships, or suddenly exploding over seemingly small things. Their anger never disappeared—it simply went into the shadow, where it continued to influence their life outside of their awareness.

Example 2: The “confidence” golden shadow

Someone admires people who are confident, assertive, and comfortable taking up space. They often think, “I wish I could be like that,” while believing those qualities belong to other people. Through shadow work, they begin to realize those qualities resonate because they also exist within them—they’ve simply never felt safe expressing them.

Example 3: The “neediness” shadow

A child learns that expressing emotional needs results in being ignored or criticized. Over time, they convince themselves that they don’t need anyone and become fiercely independent. As an adult, they struggle to ask for help, feel disappointed when others don’t know what they need, and secretly long for deeper connection. The vulnerable part that desired comfort wasn’t eliminated—it became hidden.

Ways to notice shadow parts

There are many ways to bring shadow parts into your awareness. Here I will offer some ways that are accessible to most people.

1. Notice traits in others that really get you bothered. When you find yourself saying “I hate it when…..”, “they did such and such, I would never do that”. Intense reactions to others can sometimes point toward something unrecognized within us. Next time you get riled up about something someone did or said that just seems wrong and that you would never do, catch yourself, and notice. For example, perhaps you find yourself saying, “She’s so selfish,” or “He’s so arrogant,” with an intensity that feels bigger than the situation. Rather than assuming the other person is or isn’t those things, become curious. Ask yourself, “What does this quality mean to me? Where might I express it—or avoid expressing it—in my own life?” The answer may not be obvious, and it may not be the exact same trait. Sometimes what bothers us points toward a deeper, related quality we’ve disowned.
2. Notice if there is any belief, goal, or knowing that you have that hasn’t changed in several years. Rigidity can sometimes signal that something unconscious is protecting an important belief or identity.
3. Ask a close friend or relative: Often, the people who know us the best are aware of some of our shadows. These are the traits that annoy them about you, or they put up with, or that have made them set up “boundaries” in your relationship. If you have someone you trust who knows you well and can offer honest, compassionate feedback, they may notice patterns or blind spots that are difficult for you to see yourself.
4. Notice the things you desire that you see in others that you don’t have. These things point to golden shadow. A lifestyle, a relationship, a trait, an ability. The golden shadow is the part of you that believes you can’ t have those things.
5. Notice what seems impossible. Notice if you say or believe “I could never…..ask for help/say no/be the center of attention/have an easy life/leave…”.
6. Notice what you repeatedly judge in yourself. Sometimes shadow isn’t hidden because we don’t know it’s there. It’s hidden because we refuse to fully acknowledge or accept it. Maybe it sounds like “I’m lazy” “I’m weak” “I’m too emotional” “I choose the hard way”.
7. Learn how to analyze your dreams. Working with the information provided by our subconscious through our dreams is a great way to get to know our shadows.

How to begin

We begin this work like most good work, by noticing with openness and curiosity. Start noticing and ask yourself, where is that within me? This question opens the possibility of finding the shadow.

Imagine you become frustrated with someone who constantly asks for help. Your first reaction might be, “They’re so dependent.” Instead of stopping there, ask yourself, “Where is dependency within me?” You may discover that you never allow yourself to ask for help, even when you need it. The shadow isn’t necessarily that you’re dependent—it may be that you’ve denied your own capacity to need support.

Why is shadow work so hard?

Shadow work is hard to engage in, especially at first. One of the biggest reasons is there are many loud parts saying “No, that’s not within me at all!”. Lots of parts of us work hard to keep the shadow parts in the shadow, and they do that for our survival. There are many parts of us that believe we wouldn’t be able to handle knowing we are capable of the things are shadow parts are capable of. So, they work very hard to keep us in the dark.

Once presented with the shadow, these protective parts show up in all sorts of ways to keep us from knowing our shadows. This experience can have an inner feeling that presents as stubbornness, rigidity, harshness, a locking up, a shutting down, a numbing. Practically, it can look like a dissolution or at least a stagnation of a relationship, being stuck in a pattern and feeling like a victim, like nothing you do changes anything and it’s outside your control, or an overall sense of settling in life but not being really happy about that. When you find yourself in these experiences, you may want to ask which shadow parts you are avoiding or denying.  

Why do we work with our shadow?

Moving forward in life requires us to notice our shadows and bring them into our awareness. Only then will we be able to break those patterns, make the shifts, live more fully. It’s through shadow work we can move forward.

We do not engage in shadow work to try to get rid of a trait. On the contrary, we engage in shadow work to integrate the traits. Integration is the entire purpose. By recognizing your capacity to be selfish, you are not accepting you are a selfish person. You are integrating that trait within your entirety and that integration gives you choice, where denial removes choice.

Shadow work is not about becoming someone different. It is about becoming more fully yourself. The qualities that remain outside of awareness continue to influence your thoughts, emotions, relationships, and choices whether you recognize them or not. As those hidden aspects become known, they lose much of their unconscious influence. This creates more freedom, more flexibility, and more choice in how you respond to life. Rather than reacting from old patterns built for survival, you gain the ability to respond from a more grounded and integrated place.