Healing using Internal Family Systems
This article may seem like it’s about parenting skills because the example used is a parent/child interaction. However, the real point of this article is to remind us of how precious we are, how full of joy we are meant to be, how we are deserving of love and deserving of healing.
While getting ready to go out for a walk, I had a quick conversation with my son about an upcoming wedding we were going to attend. My four year was adamant about wearing whatever he chose to wear to the wedding. He was almost aggressive in his approach to ensure he got to wear whatever he chose to wear, which stood out to me. As his parent but also as a therapist, I detected some pain around this subject and asked him about it. He informed me of a previous wedding at age 3 where he felt he was forced to wear something he did not want to wear.
I had choices here.
1.Logic: Do I provide my own recollection of that previous wedding and remind my child that he did have a choice in what he could wear? This would lead to a power struggle, shift focus on who can recall more accurately, and would escalate the problem. This really only leads to someone losing and someone winning and let’s be honest, mom is gonna win. And that’s not helpful or productive.
2. Behavior change: As my child was already aggressive in his approach, I could have focused on trying to change his behavior. “Calm down, speak nicely, say please,” etc. that kind of a thing. That could have also escalated the emotions he was already feeling, making him even more aggressive. I’ll give an IFS explanation for that. His “aggressive approach” (mean face, clenched fists, firm stance, and raised voice) is a persona he developed to protect himself from the pain he felt at age 3. So if I start threatening that aggression by asking it to go away by saying something like “calm down, we don’t yell in our family, speak kindly”, that aggression is only going to get bigger, because it is there to protect. So we end up getting the opposite response than what we intended.
3. Emotional attunement: I could also have chosen to attune to his current emotional memory of that time, which was causing him visible distress in the present. I could remember that my child is good inside and these emotions are there because he has an unmet need. I could recognize there was a wound my child was carrying and could use components of Internal Family Systems to help my child heal from that pain.
I’m happy to say that I chose well, and attuned to his current emotional state and left my recollection and attempt at solving the problem through logic or behavior change to the side. Here’s how that went:
Me (aka, mom): So you didn’t get to wear what you wanted to wear to the other wedding? That doesn’t sound nice. That must have been hard. (I said this in a calm voice, at eye level with my child in attempts to connect with his emotions, to inform him I heard him, and to help him calm down his emotional reaction. Doing this helped him almost immediately calm down. Once he was chill, I proceeded). How does the 3 year old inside of you feel about that?
Son (four years old): Not good. He didn’t want to wear that.
Me: So it didn’t feel good to wear something he didn’t choose to wear. What did he need at that time that he didn’t get?
Son: I don’t know.
Me: Well, just be still for a minute and see if anything comes up.
Son: Hmmmmm…….he needed help?
Me: Yes, he needed help. He needed a parent who listened to him and understood he did not want to wear the outfit he had previously chosen. He needed to be offered another choice. Is that right? (Due to his young age, I filled in these “need gaps” for my child using my own words, but I also checked with him to ensure I got it right, and if I hadn’t, I would have guessed again.)
Son: Yeah.
Me: Ok, so now using your creativity and imagination, connect with that 3-year-old inside of you who doesn’t feel good and needed help and give it to him.
Son: Ok, little one. Here are the options you have for the wedding. (He did this out loud without being prompted by me to do it in this way. He altered his voice and mannerisms to connect with his hurt 3 year old. It was kind of like he was acting it out).
Me: Does the 3 year old need anything else?
Son: No.
Me: How does he feel now?
Son: Happy.
Me: Ok, good job at loving yourself and giving that 3 year old what he needed. Now let’s get your shoes on and go on our walk.
Why am I highlighting this? It was simple. It took a couple of minutes. It may even seem petty or trivial. But here’s the thing; there was pain in that memory, there was an unmet need there, there may even have been some shame attached to that memory. A memory at age 3 that could easily be forgotten in time but just as easily (without the actual memory) could contribute to further pain, feelings of unmet needs, feeling of unworthiness, of not being heard, and feelings of shame. By attuning to my child’s felt pain and engaging in a simple practice, that 3 year old received healing at age 4, from himself. Wow! That’s pretty powerful. I’m going to write that again. At age 4, he was able to heal a wound from age 3, and that healing came from himself. I have checked in with him a few times since this conversation to see how his 3 year old is feeling. All I said is “Hey- how’s your 3 year old doing? Is he still happy and doing well?”. The answer has been yes on all occasions.
So what’s the take away? Yes, as parents let’s be attuned to our children’s felt needs and assist them in healing from past wounds. We need to focus on connecting with our kids, not correcting them.
But what if you’re an adult, no kids, don’t work with kids or parents. How does this relate? I believe the takeaway is that no matter your skillset or where you are in life, healing is possible. Healing is accessible. And healing is limited and superficial when it’s approached through logic or behavioral modification. Your wounded inner child doesn’t need a reprimand. They need to be loved. They need your compassion.
Maybe the next time you feel a strong emotion take the lead in a reactive kind of a way, pause, and ask who it might be protecting. Approach that emotion/reaction as if it were protecting a wound and see what comes up. Always lead with curiosity and compassion, and let gratitude be a strong second. And remember, a small wounded child is always on the other side of that pain, so approach this as though you are working with a small child, a child who is precious and cute and laughs and runs and is pure love. That child never asked for the wound and certainly didn’t deserve it. If nothing else, love that child-your love is what they need.
Take care on your healing journey.