Part of your identity no longer helps you like it once did. Now it’s causing problems. But who are you without it? That’s how you make decisions you can trust- from that identity, that cluster of values, that north star. You don’t want to let it go but it’s also getting in the way. In this article I’ll discuss how and why we have overdeveloped personality traits that keep popping up even when we don’t want them to, and how to get them to calm down, so you can explore other options.
I’ll begin with a couple examples of overdeveloped traits to get us on the same page.
Example 1: You’re the fix it gal, people come to you with their problems and you help and fix. It gives you purpose and meaning and of course it’s a big part of your identity. You may even describe yourself as a “helper” or a “fixer”. It’s a part of your DNA. It’s a part of your personality. It’s what makes you, you. You’ve also found that sometimes you’re fixing things even when you don’t really want to. Maybe before you even realize it, you’re there with your arm raised saying you’ll help. Then you realize you’re actually spread pretty thin right now, or maybe your health isn’t great and you just don’t have the energy, or you actually don’t want to help this particular person for whatever reason. But there you are, finding a way to help. And then you also notice that people aren’t as grateful as they “should be”. They start saying things like “you’re getting too involved” or “this isn’t really your problem to solve”, and that leaves you feeling not only devalued but also confused. Hadn’t they asked for your help?
I’ll provide another example before moving on to some larger concepts on what’s really going on here.
Example 2: You’re the organized one- responsible, routine, done early, consistency. Your days and weeks and months are like clockwork. Your life is organized and predictable. It feels safe in this environment. Isn’t this what everyone says to do? Wake up at 5:30, work out, drink 6 glasses of water daily, meal plan, cook a healthy meal, organize tasks and chores so they are all done on the same day every week (grocery shop on Sunday, laundry on Thursday, etc.), journal, meditate, and on and on and on. Kind of sounds nice but also kind of sounds like a robot. You do feel a sense of security in having this routine, knowing you’re checking off all the check boxes, being consistent. People can rely on you. No surprises. You even call yourself “responsible”. This is a part of your identity. This is who you are. It’s a personality trait. You’ve “always” been this way. But then you also start to recognize what there isn’t space for- creativity, messing up, spontaneity, messiness, the unknown. Not only is there not time for it but you begin to recognize a sense of discomfort in those moments of messing up, figuring it out, there is no plan and you notice that makes you feel uncomfortable. So yes, life is safe and predictable, vanilla. And you start wondering if vanilla is all there ever will be for you. Safe and beige.
Although these are taken from two different people, they represent the same situation. I’m not gonna complicate it further with more examples or analogies. I’m just gonna say what’s going on here and then we can get into the details. When we experience things like what’s laid out in the above examples, we are experiencing an overdeveloped part of us. What we need to do is, through a process, quiet down that part, so we can see our other options and avenues. That’s it. Ok, so now let’s tease that out.
Overdeveloped parts (skills, personability traits, values, roles) are usually first developed as survival skills earlier on in life. When we’re little we have very little resources, so we develop these skills/personality traits/roles/values (for simplicity I’ll refer to these as parts) to help us navigate our environment. We all do this. Even if we had a pretty chill childhood, no abuse or any trauma, we still develop these skills to help us navigate our childhood. Our parents, often well meaning, rely too heavily on shame and blame to motivate us to behave in ways that make it easier for them to manage us. Most if not all parents are guilty of this. So we were all given messages of shame and blame as little kids and we weren’t sure what to do with that because it just didn’t make sense to us (how could this person who loves me treat me this way?), so we develop ways to protect us from those feelings of shame and blame. For example, we become problem solvers- my needs don’t matter, I’m going to help other people. Maybe that worked because it got attention off you. Maybe that worked because that was a value your caregivers had so you got a lot of praise. Who knows. But it worked. So as a young person you heavily relied on helping others to navigate your environment in a way that helped you feel less shame or blame. Or maybe you developed a super responsible and predictable skill set. That helped because your parents were unpredictable, so unknowingly you were creating consistency for yourself. Or again, maybe it gave you a lot of praise and attention from your parents, which was what you needed. The specifics of why it worked don’t really matter (although they can be interesting), what matters is that somehow those parts helped you feel less shame and blame. So, now those skills are deeply imbedded in who are you. You’re a helper. You’re responsible. You grow up this way. This skill get overdeveloped. So much so that it takes over. Not all the time of course, but mainly in times when you feel insecure. Why? Because it was created to help you navigate those feelings of shame and blame when you were little, so it gets super activated when those feeling resurface now in whatever context. So much so that they are activated even when you don’t want or need them. As an adult you have lots of other resources now, but so often it’s hard to notice them and use them because the overdeveloped parts get in the way. So what do we do about this?
Too often people try to wrangle their overdeveloped parts. They wrestle them and manage them or try to ignore them- saying they don’t matter or have little value, hoping that will yield the desired result of taming them. Nope. That won’t work. It’s a ton of effort. It’s so unkind to yourself that you’ll end up feeling bad about yourself which leads to other complications. It’s depleting. It’s not sustainable.
If you resonate with any of this, if you think you have an overdeveloped part that you would like to see become a bit calmer so you can see your other options and avenues, try this instead.
- Get to know your overdeveloped part. Sit with her. Bring her up in a calm moment so you can really observe her. The best way to do this is in a moment of peace, recall a time that part of you was super activated. Once she shows up, you’ll know. You’ll feel a shift or tightening in your body somewhere. Notice that.
- Once she’s activated, stay with her for a while. Don’t try to change her. Don’t try to manage her. Just sit with her and notice her. Then, ask her what she wants to be called. Often they like to be called by their identity, so it might be something like “Queen Helper” or “Miss Responsible”. You don’t have to get too cute or creative here and you can always change her name later, if the one you choose at first doesn’t fit.
- Then, you thank her. You sincerely and genuinely thank her for helping you when you were little. She was the only resource you had at that time. She helped you. So thank her. This can only be effectively done from a place of self compassion. If it feels like it’s not working, try to first grow that deep and sincere appreciation for her when you were little and then try again to thank her. And see how she responds to that. After that, you can wrap up whichever way feels good. Maybe some deep breaths. Maybe hum or chant. Or maybe just give yourself a small hug.
- Whenever she is activated in the future, notice her first, name her, and again thank her for her intention to help you. Use those exact words when you first start. It will sound something like this: “Oh, hi Queen Helper. I notice you’re here now. I feel you in my tight chest. I want to thank you for showing up, because I know your intention is to help me. Thank you for your intention to help me”. If this is done with self-compassion and sincerity, your overdeveloped part will typically calm down right then and there, allowing you to see your other options.
Your overdeveloped part needs to be seen and appreciated by you to calm down. Try loving her and thanking her and then notice what shifts*.
So now that that overdeveloped part is calmer, you have many other resources to lean on. This is when change starts to occur- a change in your identity and personality. You aren’t really changing. Let’s make that clear. You are allowing other parts of you to be expressed. That’s a pretty important distinction. You used to overplay the “helper” or “responsible” role, and now you’re choosing to play other roles, other parts of you. It feels uneasy at times, kind of fun other times, some people in your life like these changes, and guaranteed some people in your life will not like these changes.
So to bring it full circle, I would encourage you to not see these overdeveloped parts of you as problem parts that need to be managed or gotten rid of. The opposite is what is needed. Love and cherish that part of you, recognizing it was your greatest resource at an earlier part of your life. Thank it for that. Once you can do that, that part will start to calm down and you can start exploring and expressing other parts of you.
*Sometimes there is a deep pain these parts are protecting us from feeling, especially if we did experience some type of abuse or childhood trauma. So we don’t want to try to get rid of any of our parts- they are there for a reason-they are protecting us. If you sense that your overdeveloped part is protecting you from a deeper pain, there is more to this process that will help heal that pain and release that overdeveloped part from that role. If this sounds like you, I encourage you to connect with a therapist.