Jealousy. It’s kind of an ugly word. It doesn’t feel good to say or read. There’s something about that word that just feels sticky, in a bad way. Yuck! Get it off me! And yet, occasionally, or more frequently, we feel it. Jealousy. Your friend tells you about a recent trip and how much fun they had. Jealousy. You see pictures of total strangers that seem as though they have something figured out that you long for. Jealousy. An acquaintance completes a goal they’ve been working on, like the one you’re still trying to sort out. Jealousy. That person over there has that thing you covet, and you wonder why you don’t have it yet. Jealousy.
This is something familiar to us all. Maybe over the years as you have grown older and wiser you’ve been able to recognize that jealousy isn’t healthy for you or your friendships, and you’ve taught yourself to celebrate with others and be grateful for what you have. That’s great. However, I’m gonna take this one step further and encourage us to see jealously as a guide.
I was first introduced to this perspective from Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way, so credit goes to Julia.
Why is it that some things make us jealous of someone while other things don’t? To quote Julia Cameron,” My jealousy had actually been a mask for my fear of doing something I really wanted to do, but was not yet brave enough to take action toward.” Julia invites us to think of our jealousy as a map, guiding us out of our fear and into taking action that gets us closer to what we desire. Wow. What a difference that perspective makes! So how does that look like and feel like? It starts with honesty and curiosity, followed by taking action. Here’s an example:
An acquaintance tells you about this amazing month-long trip they just went on to Europe and you feel that twinge of jealousy creep up. Instead of trying to ignore it, fake that smile and interest, ask a question and move on, or worse yet, instead of letting that jealously grow and fester and deplete your energy and sense of worth and potentially harm your friendship, acknowledge it. Tell yourself that you’re feeling jealous of this friend. That’s the honesty part. Next, get curious. Try out the perspective that this jealous feeling is a map to your desires; desires you’re kind of mad at yourself for not taking action on yet. Get specific about what you are jealous about, and to do that you need to get curious. Is it getting away for a few days that you are jealous about? The flexible work schedule that would allow that? The financial status that would make that an option? Let’s say you recognize that it’s taking a longer trip that you are most jealous of. That is useful information. You just gave yourself a gift. A gift of clarity. Now you need to take action.
Here’s another thing I love about the approach mentioned throughout The Artist’s Way: take small steps towards that desire. Often there is a significant discrepancy between what we desire and our current lifestyle- the gap is too big and daunting and therefore no action is taken, and the gap remains. The key is to take action, lesson the gap- so those actions need to start out small. Eventually, the gap will lessen, one small action at a time.
To keep with the example above, you would now start getting creative and taking steps towards scheduling a longer trip. Maybe you don’t have the money or enough time off to take big trips. Start getting creative on ways to save for that big trip, get clear on how long it would take to get enough money saved up, figure out how much time off you would need saved up to do it. What about talking to your boss and team about the idea of taking a month off and starting to do the groundwork for that? What about figuring out how to do some remote work while you’re away, so your work and teammates don’t suffer? Whatever the barriers are, start working on them, so they are no longer barriers. The key here is to start working towards that goal- take action. Make the budget. Have the conversation. Schedule the time. Take the steps.
Once you start taking the steps, you’ll notice the jealousy will diminish or disappear altogether, because after all, the jealousy is there because you’ve been neglecting taking action on that desire. So, take action.
I want to encourage all of us to change our relationship with jealousy and start getting curious when we feel that twinge of jealousy and quickly start seeing it as a map, a map towards our desires; a map beckoning us to take action.