There’s something bothering you from your past. It’s not really affecting you too much today but you find yourself thinking about it, it doesn’t feel great, and you just can’t seem to shake it off. What do you do?
You talk to friends about it. You journal about it. You try to be present and not let the thoughts distract you too much. You try and maybe succeed at writing a short story or create some art about it. These things kind of help. They feel good in the moment, but those memories keep popping up and more than that, it’s the nagging feeling that there is unresolved business from your past and you want to deal with it. You’re strong. You’ve dealt with plenty of stuff in life. You’re ready to deal with this too. But how?
First, the reason why all those other valid efforts aren’t getting you the result you want, is because what you’re experiencing is an unmet need from a different part of you, the part of you that lived through that experience. It’s not the you of today that this is bothering. It’s not the you of today that needs something. It’s her. It’s that younger you. I’m talking about the part of you, whatever age or timeframe you were, who lived through that experience.
How can you be sure it’s another part of you that needs something and not the you of today? Usually you’ll find yourself thinking or saying something like this:
- I know better than this, why am I reacting this way?
- This isn’t me. I’m not normally like this.
- I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. My life is great.
- This is not logical. This does not make sense.
Statements like these indicate that a younger version of you is activated and needs your attention. It keeps popping up. You can’t shake it. You feel almost intuitively that it’s something you must address. Those are indications that it’s her. It’s her saying that it’s time. Why now? Most likely because she trusts you now. She trusts in your ability to hear her, to see her, to heal her.
Once you realize it’s that younger you who need something, it becomes a little easier to step aside, and stop trying to meet her needs by focusing on meeting your needs. That won’t work. Of course, keep doing all those things you’ve been doing if you find them helpful for today. But don’t keep doing them thinking that’s what she needs. You don’t know yet what she needs. So that’s our second step: tune into her.
Ultimately, you want to tune into your younger self to give her what she needs (aka, healing!), so she can calm down and the you of today can move on. However, we don’t start there. For various reasons, our younger parts spook easily so we tread lightly. In this part, lead with curiosity and self-compassion and you’ll find your way. That said, I’ll offer a practical approach here to get you started.
- In a time of meditation, set an intention to tune into this younger part of you to better understand her. Start by bringing up the thing you can’t seem to shake- the thing that started you down this path. Is it a memory or a glimpse of a memory? A feeling? An illogical belief about yourself (ex: I’m not smart, I won’t succeed)? Bring that up and lean into it. Let it fill you up. Notice how it feels in you body once it’s present. Notice where it predominately lives in your body and focus your attention there. Now you’ve made a connection with her.
- Before you proceed, check in to see how you feel about this part of you that you just connected with. Are you resentful? Do you feel ashamed? Do you want to get rid of her and shut her up? If you have anything other than curiosity and self-compassion for this part of you, stop. Gently ask whatever other feeling arose to step aside. Let’s say you felt shame towards that part of you, ask shame to please step aside, to give you some space, to allow you to connect with the younger part of you. Keep doing that until you feel curious and are full of self-compassion for this younger part of you.
- From this space of curiosity and self-compassion, ask that part to share with you whatever it is she wants to share with you. Keep in mind, these are mainly painful things, unmet needs, loneliness, unworthiness. Listen to her stories until she is done. Let her tell you how she felt. Tell her you understand how she felt, you hear her. Take your time to witness her story and her feelings. They are valid.
- Once she is done sharing and she feels you understand how she feels, ask her what she needed that she didn’t get. This should come from her, not you. So depending on the age, the answers could greatly vary. They do not need to be logical or realistic. She might say, I needed different parents, I needed a friend, I needed a safe place, I needed someone to be patient with me. Whatever it is she says, go ahead and give it to her. Use your imagination and give it to her. Check in and see how she feels now. Sometimes she may also need the you of today to do something. For example, write a letter to someone, call up that friend, write that song, give yourself a hug. It’s ok if she includes those requests as well. Just don’t promise her you’ll do something that you’re not willing to follow through on.
- Check in with her. If she’s told you her stories, shared how she feels, and had her needs met, she should be content and ready to move on. For most, we know they are ready to move on because they actually do. Let’s say we visualized her as scared and alone, and now she’s running off with friends, laughing, and ready to play. Of course, this will be unique to each person, but typically she will start off as immobile and needy and then she will transform into joy and movement. Be on the lookout for that transformation.
You should be feeling great now, knowing you gave that younger you what she needed. It’s important to check in with her daily for the first week or two after this experience, to see how she’s doing. And that thing that’s been bothering you, the thing from your past you couldn’t seem to shake? That should also be a thing of the past now- able to remain in the past. That feeling of being blocked should be gone, and you should be able to move throughout your day and into your future feeling focused and fully integrated.