I was raised by conservative evangelical Christian parents who became international missionaries when I was 4 years old and that lasted through most of my high school years. My parents were loving to each other and their children, they were good people, we had lots of adventures in various countries, and they raised me in the Christian beliefs and customs. Being a Christian was a part of my core identity, and therefore guided many of my lifestyle choices.
I’m not entirely sure why, but early on in my adulthood I ended up questioning the validity of these beliefs. I had not been hurt by it. It just didn’t fit me. Once I started down this path of moving away from my Christian identity, many things in my life took on significant changes. My friendship circle changed. My Sunday morning routine changed. Conversations with my parents changed. Moving away from this religion had a significant impact on my life.
I found that since it had been such a big part of my identity, without it, I felt kind of lost, unmoored, not sure of myself and my footing in the world. Practically speaking, this identity gap made it hard for me to find friends, my tribe, my community (something I continue to struggle with). This gap also made it hard to make decisions and feel confident about them. I had been taught to pray about things. To listen to God. To trust God. I didn’t know any other way to move forward. So without praying and trusting God, I was kind of left to myself. This was a lonely place to be. More accurately, it felt empty.
From this empty place I continued to live. At times this empty place felt like it was growing hard and dark- like a resentful void. It was like I had made up my mind, without even realizing it, that there is either Christianity (which was not for me), or nothing. Of course, logically I knew this to not be true. I knew and had been exposed to several religions and spiritual practices. But no thank you, not for me apparently (again, this was not done consciously).
Then came a time I wanted something different from my career. I had become a mom and wanted to create a lifestyle that had more flexibility so I could spend more time with my son. This led me to seek out a coach. Even writing that makes me feel a little embarrassed. Was a coach necessary? Probably not. Did the coach help me attain what I had paid him for? No. But at this time in the story, seeking out a coach was the next logical thing to do, and that’s what I did.
How did I go about choosing a coach? I had done a lot of research and had been following various personalities and one of them just felt right, so I went with him. The package I purchased included a few 1:1 sessions with this coach and the rest were group sessions. In the individual sessions, the coach challenged me to think about the lifestyle I wanted, to look far into the future, to consider the impact I wanted to make, to have a conversation with myself near the time of my death and listen for the wisdom my older self had. I had never done anything like that before. Of course I had journaled, meditated, created new year’s resolutions, made 5 and 10 year goals/plans, read self help books, etc. But this was different. Don’t get me wrong, I honestly don’t think there was anything too different about what this coach offered. I’m sure there are plenty of other coaches who offer the same strategy. But something was different here. I started feeling more alive. I started tuning into myself, listening to myself, feeling more connected to…….something. Since I had lived the past several years feeling pretty empty, this was a radically new feeling. And yes, I did cry, in case you were wondering. I cried in my 1:1 sessions with this guy. An imperfect dude from France who was walking me through a process. I cried. Why am I highlighting the crying? Because it means something. When we cry, it means we feel something, something so intense that our body reacts to it, seemingly without our ability to control it. It’s special and unique. So let’s not underestimate crying. There is truth there. Like I say to my clients when they cry “ok, we’ve reached gold”. So, I had reached gold with this guy. But how? That to me is the most intriguing part of all this. There is nothing special about this guy. He’s not some guru. He did not market himself as a spiritual guide or anything like that. So the reaction I was having was pretty unexpected. I’ve thought about this a lot, reflected on that time and that guy and his approach and what was going on with me, and here’s what I think happened: this guy genuinely cared about my journey and he was attuned to me during our sessions, he connected with me, with my internal me, he heard me, he worked to understand me and support me, and he poured his energy into me. I honestly think that’s what made the difference- his genuine care and attunement. Through that our energies connected. I don’t know how else to describe it. In one session we both felt a pulsating energy coursing through our bodies. It felt like electricity. I had never experienced anything like it. After the session, this energy stayed with me for at least another hour. It was so unexpected and so foreign, yet it felt right and powerful and true, that this experience led me on a quest.
This quest was led mostly by curiosity and a desire to experience that energy connection again. My individual sessions with this guy ended, but I continued to pursue this on my own. Afterall, he wasn’t selling me anything- meaning, he wasn’t selling me a belief system or a way of life or anything really. I had already purchased his coaching package and I kept working the program (with little success on that front- but that’s not super relevant for this story). So, I had experienced an energy connection with another person, a connection within myself that I felt, he felt too, and we were practically strangers, in different time zones and meeting virtually. How could this be? What did this mean?
I’m a little fuzzy on the next sequence of events but essentially what happened is that I started to pay attention to this internal energy more frequently. I knew it was there and I started playing around with it- I guess. I started looking for it. Listening to it. Trying to sense it again. I also started testing it out. Like when I felt the energy was speaking to me, I leaned it, quieted my logical voice, and tried honoring the messages from this energy. Even as I write this, I get that it will sound a bit woo woo to some. But to others who have experienced something similar, I know this will resonate. I started sensing this energy more and more. And that empty feeling I had been carrying around with me, started to shift. I started feeling more powerful, more in tune with nature, myself, and others, more aware, more compassionate, more. I also started to be able to visualize this energy and she was HUGE. At first, I thought she represented me, my internal energy, but now I see this as a representation of the energy that connects us all.
Around this time, I started working as a psychotherapist again (something I had let go of years previously) and I was vaguely introduced to a therapy model called Internal Family Systems (IFS). I’m not going to get into IFS here but will only say that at its core it’s all about connecting with yourself. At this time of my life, on this quest, this approach deeply resonated with me, and I quickly dove into learning all about IFS. So, learning about how to do IFS therapy on myself and with my clients propelled me even further into connecting with this energy that is within all of us. As I became more tuned into this energy within myself, I was able to also tune into the energy within others. As a psychotherapist I found this to be extremely rewarding work with clients who were open to it. I experienced with them that exchange of energy I had experienced with my coach (a couple of years previously). I would say “can you feel that?” and my client would be like “yeah- what is that? I feel this energy in my body” and often there were tears involved. Again, why tears? In this case, I believe the tears were shed because the clients felt seen, deeply seen and heard, to their core. These experiences are fairly intense, and I am convinced that after you experience it once, it sets us off on a quest to understand it and connect with it again. We recognize there is a lot more going on internally and there is something about it that feels like we’re coming home.
This brings me full circle- back to identity. Having a strong sense of identity is crucial to our well-being and I had been so unsure footed in that area for too long. Having this connection with this energy source has fostered within me a strong sense of internal and external connection. I don’t identify with a specific religion or belief system and that has made finding my tribe a little challenging, but I no longer feel a void of identity. Whenever we experience any change or loss in life an aspect or aspects of our identity are questioned. Who am I now? Answering that is fundamental and should be a priority in our efforts to keep moving forward after experiencing something significant. I’ll share what I often say to clients who are struggling with an identity shift: answer who am I now in the form of values and then make actionable lifestyle choices that support your answer. Maybe more clearly put: to start feeling more grounded and tuned into your identity, lessen the gap between your values and your lifestyle.
Currently, one of my values is to be connected. Being connected is a core part of my identity. Writing these types of articles, attuning into my clients, and connecting with their energy, and listening for and cultivating the energy within me are all ways I express this identity.
So why am I sharing this? What does my personal experience have to do with anything? I’m sharing it because I hope and trust this will be helpful to someone reading it. I don’t believe this is the only way or the right way or anything like that. I’m not selling anything. I’m sharing my story because I felt empty once, and now I feel connected, I am connected to my internal parts, and to this energy, an energy I believe is within us all, connecting us. I have had too many experiences of connection with energy within myself and with others to deny it. I also am humble enough to admit that I don’t fully understand it or know its various forms. For example, I believe my mom is at times deeply connected to this energy. She calls it something different. She calls it the Holy Spirit- but I believe it’s the same energy I experience.
Ultimately, I’m sharing this because I am grateful. I am grateful to have experienced this energy. I am grateful for the impact I have been able to have on others because of this connection to energy. I am grateful for the amount of trust in life’s unfolding I am able to have because of this connection. And I am grateful to you, dear Reader, for your journey and your quest, and our inexplicable and powerful connection to each other.
Remaining grateful and connected.